1) Timelines are a load of crap

Babies are little bastards that have no consideration for parents who are trying to watch Bake Off without cleaning shit out of an arse crack.

More importantly, babies don’t care that they should wait until 6 months to wean, should love boobs until they’re two, and should probably sleep through the night at some point. (Will he ever? Send help. Please.)

Likewise, it’s unlikely you will want to let anyone near your vagina after the 6 week check up. As the recipient of an episiotomy, 2nd degree tear, forceps delivery and retained placenta I can confirm that my poor car crash of a nether region was not up for a ‘spot of action’ the moment the doctor said it looked fine (which it wasn’t by the way!).

2) You lose all sense of identity

Wasn’t I more than a mother once? Who knows. 5 months in and I can’t remember what adult conversation is, when I last got through a sentence without mentioning poo or what it was like to think ‘I need a wee’ without then promptly pissing on the floor.

3) Relationships become harder

Good God. I could murder my husband on a daily basis. Why doesn’t he just do the F**KING WASHING WITHOUT ME ASKING. The only person more annoying than my husband is me. I bet he longs for a day when I’m not bitching at him to make more effort or telling him how lucky he is that he didn’t squeeze his not-so-miniature-clone out of a now broken teeny tiny hole.

Except he’s obviously far more annoying than me. Twat.

4) If you don’t laugh you’ll cry

On the first day home from the hospital, Jack did the most ginormous shit that went up the wardrobe, himself and us. He then pissed everywhere. As we were laughing about this, I pissed myself. This caused further hysterics and I asked my husband why he wasn’t mortified. He replied that once our baby came out of what used to be a place of fun, wrapped in a pair of salad tongs, you have a new opinion on what would be considered mortifying.

I then asked him to check my piles, which confirmed where that line was.

5) Not all births are created equal

My sister gave birth in 8 hours, and was good to carry on about 2 days later as normal. She had her baby 5 days before mine. She was 37 weeks pregnant whereas I was 42 weeks pregnant when Jack finally decided to bother making an effort. My labour was closer to 30 hours. I had every drug going and boy, now I’ve got a prolapse, do I wish I had gone for the c-section rather than giving myself life changing injuries.

6) Stop comparing

Expecting any baby to be similar to another or doing what other babies are doing is a sure fire way of becoming a mother plagued by madness. Some babies will sleep like angels, some won’t. Some babies will crawl at 5 months, and some will crawl at a year.

Some babies are bigger arseholes than others but will probably grow up to be millionaires and convince you to stop working so they can look after you…

Well done if you’re still breastfeeding. Yay if you have a babe on formula. Do what’s right for you, not what you think others think is right for you.

7) Equality be gone

As one parent swans off to work and the other stays at home, there will be a sense of the unequal in the relationship and in life in general.

You will worry about your cover at work doing a better job than you. You will get frustrated when you change yet another nappy and try and console an inconsolable baby and know that your partner has the ‘easier’ life.

On the flipside, someone in the family is probably having to use their brain in the office on nothing but two hours sleep and coffee.

The dog feels pretty hard done by too – she knows she’s better than the baby, so why is she being made to feel otherwise?

8) You worry more about the future

Seriously – will I ever sleep again?

Will I be incontinent forever? Will Brexit ruin the UK? Will there be another war? What are we doing about the amount of plastic we use?

I now give much more of a shit about everything, as it will impact the life of my baby (I did give a shit before obviously, but now I *really* care).

9) You will despair

Something will make you despair. For me it’s medical staff. It’s one train wreck after another in terms of medical care professionals and how I’ve been treated (more on that another day).

Every mother will have something they despair over. Probably more than one thing. Maybe 10 things. Most things, actually.

10) You wouldn’t swap it

If I’m honest – I’m not sure having been shown the two paths (motherhood versus a life of freedom) whether I would have picked this one beforehand, but I wouldn’t swap Jack for the world now.

Being a mummy to Jack is lovely. My team has grown, and as I clean his dirty bum at 2am wishing the ground would swallow me up, he only has to give me a gummy grin and I’d break my foof for him all over again…

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